WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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