Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
