We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
