He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
