Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
