I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
