ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
