It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
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I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
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Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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