we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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