my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
