Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
