babies were throwing up all over the place
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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