we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
