I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
