I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
