I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
