your parents love me but you hate me
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
