I think i peed on brittanys purse
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
