I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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