somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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