He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I love having hate sex.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
