My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
