I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
