Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
