U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
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Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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