forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Dicks are not precious.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
