R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
