I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
