This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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