i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
