btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
