Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
