please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
