When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
