Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
