If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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