When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
