my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize