So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I need a beard to bite.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
