two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize