No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
