I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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