The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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