as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
