I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
