my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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