oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
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