When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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