sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
