yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
