Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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