hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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