3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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