she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
