A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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