i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I need water and some morals
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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