marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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