oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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