Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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